I want to give up!

Some days I don’t want to write. By that I don’t mean I want a day off from writing. Some days I want to GIVE UP the writing completely. I know I’m not the only author to feel this way. I’ve discussed it with others and we agree that writers can sometimes “beat themselves up” too much. There are days when you feel as if you’re not writing enough and aren’t truly a writer at all, maybe because you feel you can’t get enough down on paper (or on the screen) in a day or because of a thousand other reasons.

Some days rejection causes this mood. Some days it’s self-doubt. Sometimes it’s stress, other things in your life demanding your attention. Sometimes the sun is shining and you’d rather be out and about. You’d rather be reading a book than writing one, talking to a friend, listening to music, watching a movie, going to the gym, a walk, cooking the dinner, doing something, “ANYTHING” else than looking at a blank white space and trying to fill it with words.

Words. I live with words. There’s hardly ever a silent moment of peace in my head. When I’m not writing I’m struggling to find time to read so if I’m not with friends or doing a number of demanding chores, my time is spent with WORDS WORDS WORDS, so many words, enough to drive you crazy. And yes, it does feel as if it can do that — actually ‘drive’ you crazy if you’re not careful.

Sometimes rejection or a bad review makes an author throw up their hands in the air wondering why they do this. Let’s face it, few ever see true monetary rewards. It does and can happen but most writers need a day job. Most need to hit the bestseller lists to make the true writing dream come true and even then they have deadlines. That doesn’t mean those that need to subsidise their writing or use their writing to subsidise their life are failures. It’s ‘extremely’ difficult to be published these days, even more so than at other times in history in some ways. Writers compete with music and movies, but also computer games and the internet, even social networks such as myspace. Any acceptance is a reason for celebration but there will be days, even when things are going well, when a writer wonders what they are doing it for. Life could be quieter, simpler, more ‘fun’ if they could just turn their back on this insidious NEED to write. It’s infectious for many, the need to write…like a disease yet that’s often the difference between someone who IS an actual writer and someone who would just like to write.

Sometimes wanting to walk away is just down to having too many things on the go at once, which I feel is probably what’s bothering me this time. Sometimes it’s because a writer is feeling unsatisfied in some other way. For me, I live with the fear that the market I’m currently writing for will outgrow me. I fear that the market will become increasingly explicit in a way that doesn’t suit me. I already know that my tendency to write m/m instead of m/f is because I approach each with a different outlook. I struggle to fit my stories to the market when writing m/f, but if I write solely m/m a mainstream publisher will never take me seriously. And I do wish to write other genres. As crazy as some of my stories may be, as much as I may end up self-publishing some of them one day, I need that work to fulfill another part of me.

I didn’t except to find this niche in the market. I can’t help wondering if one day I’ll find another niche that equally suits me. Does that mean I’ll turn my back on one type of writing for another? Here’s the hideous and equally wonderful thing: I don’t know! I’m open to possibilities. I find any type of writing, of bogging myself down to one genre, too restraining. Am I happy writing sex? Yes. Would I be happy writing ‘only’ sex? No. I’m afraid one day sex will increasingly become more important than the story and the bubble surrounding the erotic romance market may burst around me. It could affect only me or every erotic romance author out there. Either way, I’ll have to deal with it when that time comes. I think right now I’ve too many things on the go, things I ‘need’ to work on, things I ‘want’ to work on, things lined up, not enough time off and too other things sitting on the sidelines. I know some writers would consider my list miserly. I tip my hat to them, to those who manage to write prolifically and still have something of a life. I can’t manage to do that and I know once this mad rush of things that I ‘need’ to do is over, I’m going to be taking time ‘for me’. I’m looking forward to curling up with some books over winter…as well as curling up with someone who is very important to me. You know as wonderful as being a writer can be, there’s always the risk that you’ll look around one day and wonder what happened to your life and where did it all vanish. Writing like everything in life requires a balance. Alas, I’ve yet to find mine and it won’t surprise me if I never do.

Part of me will always long for the days when I wasn’t a writer and, as I’ve said, this could be disheartening if I didn’t have reason to know I’m not alone. Does that mean I will give up writing? I have about as much of an idea regarding that as anyone does. I haven’t a clue.