I Should Be Looking Forward to Spring

April 2016: What a difference a year makes. Below is a re-posting of a blog I wrote a year ago. My outlook was understandably gloomy…although not everyone understood. We had to cope not only with a difficult situation–our main reason for moving–but the disregard, attitude, and even naivety of acquaintances and some ‘friends’. Maybe some situations are ones that need to be experienced to be fully appreciated, but what strikes me today is how much has changed. Spring is on the way and this year I’m definitely looking forward to it. We’ve moved on but we  don’t know how long we’re going to stay here. Much depends on changes that may come about this year. Even if we leave it behind, like the house the garden has had a makeover. We’ve learned a lot, adding to a wealth of knowledge we had accumulated regarding refurbishment projects, and even if we leave what we’ve accomplished behind we can make good use of that experience as we look ahead.

Speaking of leaving things, I’ve some box hedges and lavenders to plant this coming week, and though we may not stay long enough to see these things flourish and we can’t protect them from anyone who lives here next, we hope we’re sowing the ground for a garden the next owners will want to keep. That’s the thing about moving on–you can’t ever ‘know’ what will torn out or loved, but a garden…usually, at least some of it survives. We’ve created a simple, pleasant garden that not many should find much wrong with. The hedges and lavenders are going in the front garden this week, and I’m definitely looking forward to it.

As I say, such a different feeling than I had last year. How much has changed. We found a place where we can breathe for now. The website had a makeover. I managed a couple of releases under Dark Fiction, I joined another publisher for Romance, I have more ideas for novels, I’m writing:

April 2015: The sun is shining. There’s a change in the atmosphere. Flowers are appearing. Spring is definitely here. Maybe it’s still in that uncertain stage, but in my part of the world it’s possible to smell it in the air…

Okay, fine. Maybe after that hint of heady scent I then gasp and cough on the fumes and pollution, but I can see the change in the season and feel as if I should have an accompanying spring in my step.

Unfortunately, I don’t. I’m not ready for spring. I’m not ready to see the sun shining. I’m not in the mood. I want dark clouds and rain and to brood behind closed curtains. Not good for me, but true. That’s why I’m going to spend Easter with some friends far away from ‘here’ so I may breathe without choking and without feeling blue. I’m blue because I should be moving out of the house we’re currently occupying about now and into somewhere new. These things seldom go the way we plan. We had two attempts to move fall through, one for legal complications and one because of a strange owner who not only insisted the surveyor didn’t know what he was talking about but wouldn’t allow us to obtain quotes for work that required doing. We’re hoping third time lucky but the market is decidedly stagnant and it’s slowed us down as a result.

Enough said. I hate that half my life is packed into boxes and bags. My possessions aren’t my life, of course. If given no choice I would choose the living occupiers of the house over anything I own, but we pepper our lives with things we love. My environment has always been very important to me. I need the right space in which to breathe, in which to create. This is no longer that place and that is where this blog comes around from being personal to concerning my work.

I’m not working. I’m sure the website needs a good look at. I’m sure there’s promoting I should be doing. I have old books that need a reissue. I have new works planned. I wish to focus on my dark fiction as much as I have my romantic, if not more. I want to try to write a completely different type of novel. I want to start drawing again. I’m doing none of these things. If nothing else, I’ve come to realise how much my well-being goes hand in hand with my creativity. I want to accomplish so many things and yet ‘here’ is no longer a place in which I’m able to do that.

None of this was helped by my being unwell at the start of the year. I even fell out of the habit of reading. My concentration was simply gone. I’m back to reading now, but writing… I simply can’t. Once we move on I’m going to have a home to decorate and that will occupy a good amount of my time. I’m impatient enough to want to turn a strange house into ‘our’ home as fast as possible and that makes me very hands on. I’ll still feel better though. I expect the urge to write will return. I simply know this is no longer the right place for me. It’s stifling my creativity and sucking me dry in other ways. It’s amazing but true how when ready to go and no longer able to stand to be in a place that it can be emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. I’m sure the stress of two failed attempts, as well as the desire to leave has hindered and slowed my progress in everything. I’m almost well again, but maybe that’s because there are signs things are picking up and finally what we want may be possible.

In short, my sincere apologies. I’m not working at present, but I fully intend and expect normal service will resume. Life just gets in the way sometimes. I’m not letting that hold me back so much as doing what I can to guide me/us back on the track we not only desire but seem to need. Wish me luck, because a little luck harms no one.

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